Thursday, August 12, 2010
Napolitano switches focus to dog bites
The following story isn't entirely true. But maybe it should be.
By GARY BAUMGARTEN
Paltalk News Network
Word that more Americans died from dog bites than from terrorist attacks worldwide in 2009 has reportedly thrown the Homeland Security Department into a panic as it struggles to shift priorities to justify its existance.
"The State Department's report on terrorism last week chronicled 25 deaths of Americans worldwide due to terrorism in 2009," said a breathless, sleepless Homeland Security source who asked to not be identified.
"One website alone, www.dogbite.org, found 32 deaths of Americans during the same period due to dog bites. So we're trying to shift our funding priorities from waterboards to dog sticks."
Dog stick manufacturer stocks soared on the news. A spokesman for the waterboard industry shrugged off the obvious threat on his business, pointing out that the CIA, the military and "two-bit dictators on both the right and left" continue as the bulk of his customer base.
An anonymous spokesman for PETA took an unexpected position when questioned about the Homeland Security shift from interrogating people with Arabic accents to barking canines.
"We're all for it," he said. "It proves what we've said all along. Animals are people too."
Photo: puck90 under Creative Commons license